Reflections of Our Years: Stuck Together and Torn Apart
by Dark-Phantasmagoria
Summary: Cass and Dean are stuck in Purgatory, and this is a short drabble about Cass' thoughts mostly. Enjoy


Reflections of Our Years: Stuck Together and Torn Apart

Castiel looked at the man that he had raised from hell so many years ago. Dean Winchester, the only human who he could truly call a friend, the only one who always called him for help first, and who hadn't given up on him, even though Cass had done some terrible things. Dean looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, even when it was in Purgatory, and the lashing wind was whipping around them in cold beats of air. Cass sighed, wishing that everything could revert back to normal, before he had gotten so prideful and tried to take in thousands of souls to become the _new _god, before he had lost his memory, then regained it, and took in Sam's Hell in an attempt to save the younger Winchester... He wished that things could be how they were before, with him simply coming along with Dean and Sam, hunting with them… He enjoyed Dean's company, and how much the man tried to show Cass the human side of life.

Castiel honestly just wanted to turn back the clock. Of course, even if he had his angelic gifts in this land of the endless night, he wouldn't be able to change anything. What he really wanted was for Dean to be happy. He had suffered so much, and Cass knew that he had been the cause of a lot of Dean's pain. The hunter deserved much better than a _friend _like Cass. He deserved a more suitable companion, like a human maybe…

Dean mumbled something in his sleep and rolled over so that he was facing Cass. He began to snore heavily and Cass instinctively took off his trench coat. He draped it over Dean softly, although he knew that it would annoy the hunter, and sat once more, content to watch him sleep. He didn't know what the feeling was that overcame him, but when Cass was simply looking at the brave man, he felt _different_.

After a while, Dean's head turned slightly and he stirred, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He looked over at Cass, felt the heavy trench coat on him, but didn't move. He was too tired, to sick of running from the creatures in Purgatory to care about that offensive coat, that coat that he had salvaged for _no _reason at all when Cass had "died".

"Hey Cass," he said, pretending not to notice that Cass had yet again watched him the whole 'night', if you could call it that here. He knew that Cass probably watched him sleep often, but he honestly didn't care. Even though he had frequently talked to the angel about 'personal space' back in the days when things weren't so complicated, Dean didn't know why. He wasn't bothered by the angel's presence, if anything he was comforted.

"How long was I asleep?" the hunter mumbled, sitting up against the tree and actually putting his arms through the trench coat. At this point he was freezing and didn't care what clothing was on him. Cass looked at that little gesture with curiosity, but answered all the same with a straight face.

"Twelve hours," he said quietly.

"That long? Jeez Cass, you should've woken me up. I could've taken a watch. You don't have your angel mojo here. You need rest too!" Dean said, slightly irritated. Castiel shrugged.

"I'll be alright. Are you okay?" he asked. Dean shot him a dirty look.

"Yeah, I'm just _peachy. _Being in Purgatory is a real fun time," he said sarcastically. Cass didn't laugh. He knew that Dean was being facetious, but he didn't comment.

"Are you hungry at all?" Cass asked nervously. He knew that this would become an issue. Purgatory didn't exactly serve bacon cheeseburgers… Dean nodded.

"Actually, yeah I'm starving," he said. Cass thought for a moment.

"This is going to be an issue. I suppose there will be some fish or something similar here… We'll have to look," he said, glancing around at the dark forest. Dean yawned against and stood up.

"Well, we better get going," he said. Cass nodded and stood. Dean awkwardly looked down at the trench coat for a moment, unsure of whether to give it back. He was freezing cold, but didn't want to seem weak. Cass sensed his discontent; somehow he always did, although Dean had no clue why, and nodded at the coat.

"You can wear it Dean," he said. Dean looked at the angel for a moment, his green eyes meeting Cass' blue ones.

""Kay," Dean mumbled, pulling the coat on fully and buttoning it up. He knew that it looked incredibly gay, but Dean didn't really have many clothing options.

"Let's go this way," Cass said, pointing to the right. Dean nodded and they walked silently for a while, with nothing around but the soft coos of birds. At that moment, it didn't seem like Purgatory, more like a quiet forest where foxes and deer played.

"Dean, are you okay?" Cass asked after a while. He had noted how the hunter looked incredibly tense, like he was thinking about something very hard. Dean snapped his head back to the angel, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Nothing," he muttered, his cheeks growing a little red. Cass nodded, not wanting to pry, and they went on in silence. And then, suddenly the private hunter broke the quiet with an unusual comment.

"You know Cass, I'm really glad that at least I'm stuck here with you. I could've been thrown into this pit with a demon or some bitch faced idiot," Dean said. For Dean, that was usually a pretty large compliment. He rarely discussed feelings or relationships…

"Thank you. I'm glad that I can keep you company," Cass said, smiling a little bit. He still didn't understand the hunter, but for some reason he knew that he would've, and had, followed Dean to the end of the world. Soon, they came to a lake with a sandy beach. Dean plopped down on the sand and looked out at the water.

"Maybe there's fish," he said, uninterested.

"Well, we need fishing rods to catch them," Cass said. Dean nodded and yawned again.

"I can make them," Cass offered. Dean was obviously exhausted, so Cass wanted him to sleep. Dean nodded.

"That would be awesome Cass," he said, lying his head down on the cool sand. Soon, he drifted off and Cass was left to make the poles while watching his hunter sleep.

When Dean awoke he was met with those astral blue eyes of Cass. He wanted nothing more to tell the angel to back away and give him some space, but something stopped Dean. Cass was all he had now, here in this living nightmare, and he wasn't about to let him go.

"I've caught us some food," Cass said with a little smile, holding the dead fish up to Dean's face. Dean coughed from the sudden smell and sat up, looking at the huge fish.

"How did you manage to do that?" he asked, unaware that Cass actually had some human skills.

"It used to be part of my job to take care of, _fish,_"Cass said with a small smile that Dean barely caught. He raised an eyebrow.

"Is that what they called me and Sam? Fish?" Dean asked with a smirk. Cass suddenly realized what he had just said, and that it sounded a little too affectionate.

"Um, yes, they call you many _derogatory_ things in heaven. The angels don't really like humans if you haven't noticed."

"Wow, was that actual sarcasm? I'm rubbing off on you," Dean laughed as he stood up to go get firewood. They obviously wouldn't eat the fish raw.

"Dean, where are you going?" Cass asked, suddenly sounding urgent. Dean turned back.

"Relax, I'm just going to get firewood," Dean said, noticing how distraught Cass looked.

"Oh. I'll come with you," Cass said and suddenly stood up.

"Um, are you okay Cass?" Dean asked. Cass nodded and kept walking past the hunter.

"I just don't want to get separated," he mumbled under his breath, thinking that Dean didn't hear. But Dean did hear, and it made him contemplate something. They didn't have to search long for firewood, and soon they had a crackling fire pit underneath the gutted fish. They were in the middle of their meal, although Cass ate very little since he didn't actually need to, when there was a growl that erupted from the trees. Dean stopped dead. He knew that sound…

"Cass, did you hear that?" he whispered, looking around for the hellhounds. Cass jolted up and pulled Dean with him. They instantly took off into the forest, hearing the hounds launch after them. Dean stumbled over branch after branch, Cass pulling him up each time and dragging him through.

"Ah!" Dean suddenly yelled and slipped from Cass' grip. He was being pulled through the underbrush by the hounds, crying out for help as his leg was torn to shreds. He was literally begging for death when there was a loud yelp and the hounds disappeared.

"Dean," Cass said as he knelt and turned the hunter over. "Are you alright?" he asked, pulling off his tie and making a makeshift tourniquet over Dean's wounds. Dean gasped in pain and looked up at the angel. Cass was coming in and out of focus, and Dean was sure that this was it. He was about to die without saying the one thing that he had felt for a long time.

"Cass, Cass stop!" he moaned in pain, trying to get his vision to stop shifting out of focus. The angel looked at him, raising his bloodied hands. The tourniquet was tied anyways, so Dean would hopefully stop bleeding.

"Cass, I'm going, I can feel it. You—get out of here okay? I just need to tell you something. I–" Dean heaved a deep sigh, feeling his lungs contract as they sent out raspy breaths.

"Cass, I love you," Dean mumbled before blacking out.

#

Dean jolted upright and his eyes snapped open. Instantly, a million stabs of pain ran through his body and he looked around, peering through the dark. He couldn't see anything.

"Dean? Are you awake?" Came Cass' voice. Dean turned, searching for the angel.

"Cass, Cass?" Dean asked, still unable to see squat. Suddenly there was a hand on his and the angel pulled Dean into a hug. Dean was caught off guard, having never hugged Castiel before, especially on the angel's own terms.

"Um, Cass?" Dean mumbled, wondering why the angel was gripping him so tightly. When Cass finally pulled away, he looked like he would cry.

"I thought you were dead…" he said quietly. Dean felt shock. What was he talking about?

"Dead? Why would I be dead Cass?" he asked. Dean couldn't remember much at the moment, and he certainly didn't know why his death would make Castiel sad… He was just another human…

"You—you don't remember?" Cass asked, cocking his head to the side. Dean shook his head.

"No… Cass just tell me dammit," Dean said.

"We were attacked by hellhounds," Cass said. And then, it all came back to Dean. The running, screaming, pain, and the last words that he spoke before he blacked out. He looked over at Cass.

"Did I, um—did I say something really strange before I, you know, collapsed?" Dean asked, gulping. Cass nodded.

"You said that you loved me," he said.

"Oh. Yeah… I thought I was going to die, so I, just needed to tell you that I guess," Dean said. He had never imagined actually telling Cass how he felt—he didn't think the angel felt the same way…

"What did you mean by that?" the angel asked, interrupting Dean's thoughts. _This is it, ass hat. Just tell him. If you lie about him being brotherly or some shit, you'll never live it down, _came a voice in Dean's head. The hunter sighed.

"I meant that I love you. I don't really know how to explain…" Dean said lamely.

"You mean you love me like Sam? You said once that I was like family to you," Cass said, looking unsure. Dean shook his head, manning up now.

"No. I mean that I love you like, like I used to love Lisa, except I have always felt that way I guess," Dean said quietly. He knew that Cass just wouldn't feel the same way, that he had wasted his words, but the angel surprised him.

"Dean, I love you too. I wasn't going to say anything because I never am sure of my emotions, not having experienced them for more than a few years, but I think I do feel the same…" Dean sighed with relief.

"Good… I really don't know what else to say… I don't really do the whole chick flick thing," Dean sighed.

"I don't understand," Cass said.

"Never mind." With that, the hunter pulled Cass close and kissed him. It was a short, sweet kiss, but for Dean it meant everything in the world. It was every pent up emotion that he had ever felt, every shoved down feeling towards Cass finally expressed. Cass tasted like sweet rain, or honey and sunshine, some happy shit like that, and Dean enjoyed every second of it. When they broke apart, Dean just grinned stupidly and pulled Cass down onto the ground, curling up into his chest. He didn't care if he seemed weak, he didn't care if this was incredibly dumb. Dean had loved Cass for a long time, and all he wanted was to have the angel close to him…

"Dean?" Cass asked after a while of lying down. They were looking up at the starless sky, listening to the silence of Purgatory drift by.

"Mm?" Dean responded, still looking up at the night.

"Have you always felt this way? I mean, several times I've appeared you were watching homosexual porn, and even though you always are at bars with women, I rarely have seen you actually walk out with one…" Cass whispered. Dean thought for a moment. He knew that deep down he was probably bisexual. But, the only guy that he would ever want was Cass, so it really didn't matter. Nonetheless, Dean answered the question.

"Yes Cass… And when you've caught me, well, you know, I was actually thinking about—well, about you… And I've had sex with a lot of women until recent, but I usually was imagining you…" Cass was slightly surprised at this revelation. Dean really hadn't been very open with the angel in the past.

"Oh. Well, it is good to hear that. I thought that you hadn't felt the same," the angel said softly. Dean shook his head and traced his finger along Cass' arm.

"I do, definitely," he whispered. They lay there for hours, wondering if they really would ever escape this endless wilderness. Dean didn't want to be stuck here forever, even if he did have Cass.

#

Sam sat in the motel room, drinking a bottle of whiskey by himself. Usually, he wasn't one to drink much other than beer, but he had taken a more Dean approach to life in the past few days. Ever since that door had sucked Cass and Dean into Purgatory, Sam had been absolutely distraught. It was the first time that he truly believed he wouldn't be able to save them. True, it had only been four days, but for the younger brother it was eternity. He hoped that at least Cass and Dean had each other. Even though his brother wouldn't _ever _admit it, Sam knew that Dean was in love with Cass. It was incredibly obvious, from the two's eye-staring matches, to Dean's frequent gay comments and jokes, Sam knew he was just pushing down his feelings.

Sam sighed. "Poor bastard," he muttered, not sure if he meant Dean or himself. They had been through so much over the years, that Sam didn't even know how they were still alive. And Dean, well, Sam's brother had a knack for drowning his sorrows in women and beer. Sam knew that Dean's main pain was his feelings towards Cass, that he had been depressed when the angel 'died' and walked into that lake, and that when they finally found him again, with the new alias 'Emanuel', Dean had been heartbroken that the angel didn't remember them. So of course, when Cass' memory did return, and he was seriously messed up in the head after taking in Sam's hell, all Dean could say was 'No one cares that you're broken Cass'. What he really had meant, and Sam was positive about this, was 'I love you and wish this hadn't happened'. And Sam had missed the old Cass as well, for he loved the angel like a brother. But Sam's pain was nothing compared to Dean's. His drinking had gotten even worse when Cass died, and then was resurrected as a broken little angel. Sam just wished that his brother could accept himself and his feelings, and just be happy for once…

"You better tell him while you two are in there, or you're seriously a Grade A dick Dean," Sam muttered, standing up and walking over to his bag. It was time to leave this dingy motel. Maybe he should go visit a university, and look into some older lore on Purgatory... Sam collected his things and went to sit in the Impala, which his brother adored so much. He didn't start the ignition for a while, but when he did he instantly screeched off onto the dirt road, leaving the motel far behind him. Sam had to find a way to rescue Dean and Cass, even if it took his whole life to discover it.


End file.
